I have two thoughts that if I polish them enough will become what I imagine could be described as ‘a good point’.

The first is the numbers that define us. We’re all numbers, right? Zeros and ones and not a lot else. So surely any person can be defined by numbers.

Of course they can. Don’t be stupid. I’m not thinking a CD full of DNA, I’m thinking a few simple numbers. And here’s what I propose.

You (yes, you, I’m writing this only for you. You’re the third muthafucking person) are a result of the following metrics:

• Someone is approaching the lift that you have just got into. How many metres must someone be from the doors when they begin to close, for you to not even try and pretend you’re looking for the ‘keep open’ button. You just stare them straight in the eye as the doors close between you.
• You’re walking down the street. It’s raining. You have your umbrella up. You get to a part of the street where a particularly wealthy shop owner has splurged on one of those things that’s, umm, a roof for the footpath. How long must that section of footpath be for you to bother taking your umbrella down. I mean, you don’t want to look like a cock walking inside (you’re are, from the rain’s perspective) with an umbrella open. What are you, retarded? But do you really want to take the umbrella down, walk seven steps, then open it up again?
• Smile stop. You see someone you’ve seen before. Perhaps a colleague that you pass in the hallway. You smile at each other as you pass. For how long after they’re vacated your peripheral do you hold that smile. Me? 600 milliseconds (one Down’s Syndrome Blink). I’m quite sure I look like a psychopath to the people that witness the quick-stop smile (I got it from Baldwyn), but there’s something nice about people thinking you’re a psychopath. There’s none of this Hey, will you be best man at my wedding? And if anyone ever tells me I behave like a psychopath I correct them: “That’s sociopath, muthafucker.” Then I touch their teeth. If they recoil I’ll say “hey, no problem. If you do not want me to touch your alive teeth I will not touch them.”

I’m genuinely sorry about the Down’s syndrome comment.