Armless

I think the worst disability of all (wheelchair, blind, fat, etc.) would have to be a lack of arms. You would get tired of going to the doctor and saying “I can’t feel my legs” (although it would be hilarical to begin with). Riding a bike anywhere would be near-impossible. Ladies, sorting yourself out (you know, sexually) would be out, short of some sort of contraption. Guys are fine, we can rub up against a wall. Or a lamp. Anything, really. Although now I think about it (long and hard) I guess chicks can rub up against stuff too. OK scratch that, both sexes just fine in the masturbation stakes.

On the dating scene, asking someone back to your place after a lovely but slightly awkward* dinner is more or less saying “hey, you wanna see my arm stumps?” That’s gotta suck for both sides. I feel like I’d want to be in love with a girl before seeing her arm stumps (I’m not ever touching them). Clothed sex would be fine.

The phrase “I’d like that one, please” will never really work for you. I like that phrase.

Naturally, as a stumpy, you will get to the point where you just can’t take any more. But you wouldn’t be able to slit your wrists.

You don’t have any wrists.

I’ve got ten fingers. Ten! And I can’t get the cap off the bleach. So fuck knows how you’re going to get it off to down it in one. Fuck you evolution, would opposable big toes have been that hard?


* I never know which knife to use for what, and that’s with arms.

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