Why Cheating Happens, Part 2

In the first half of this particular rant I carried on about why women cheat (based on my limitless wisdom with regards to the mind of the opposite sex).

This is why men cheat.

Disclaimer: the detachment I feel from the human species as a whole is but a little brother to the detachment I feel for my particular gender. As such, I have only hypothos theories to offer*.

Did you know, our species can be thought of as only female? All that is required of the man is the tiniest snippet of DNA from the tiniest little swimmer. (This is why I am not a professional swimmer. I’d be like, I’m never going to top that first win against all the other sperm. Oh that feeling, turning round, giving the finger to all the other sperm, then bursting through my mum’s egg wall like a finish line ribbon.)

The male is only required to spread DNA around. To do that, it needs to be wrapped in a big strong body, with some specific equipment, but really that’s about all we’re required for. So reproducing is what we do. We’re also pre-disposed to liking pretty. So, since all women except Erica get less pretty as they age, naturally the heretofore monogamous male, as the years roll by, will notice his eye wandering to younger, prettier things. He will want to deposit his seed in these cute young things, not fully understanding why.

I was walking down the street the other day and a bus went past. On the bus was an attractive female. I checked her out big time, even turning my head as the bus went past. Why would my brain tell my neck and eyes to do that? What the fuck, brain? I don’t feel any pleasure from looking at a chick on a passing bus. We’re not making babies any time soon. She had headphones on! My point, I think, is that the drive to pro-create is strong, even for an asexual like myself**.

Where were we? Ha, I’ve just noticed that ‘where were we’ is like little matryoshka words. Smaller and smaller still***.

Oh this post is a rambling mess. Men cheat unless they have decided to never cheat. Men with a strong sex drive cheat. Men that don’t respect their significant other cheat. Men that fall in love with another woman cheat. Men that have no impulse control cheat. Men that meet a woman that indicates that she would like to have sex with them cheat.

So what’s a woman to do? Find an asexual.

* I don’t know the plural.

** I don’t think I’d mentioned that I was asexual up until now. Erica doesn’t believe me, probably because I give her a pretty solid rogering every time I see her. That doesn’t change the facts though.

*** Did you think matryoshka dolls were called babushka dolls? Wrong. While I’m at it, did you think those colourful little round sweets were called macaroons? Bup bow, you loose. Googling macaroon and seeing the images are what you thought they should be doesn’t prove a thing.