I made my world-famous chickin surprise last night.

Ingredients:

• Chickin (boobs or upper legs will do)
• Vegetables (orange and green look nice together, adjust to suit crockery)
• Cream (whipped from a can or the one for cooking – whipped turns out surprisingly disgusting)

Put chickin in a mixture of water, salt and sugar and put into fridge for half a day (remember to read this recipe the day before so you see that bit coming).

Put chickin/water/salt/sugar mixture on the stove until the water is lukewarm. Leave for an hour or two, just whenever you remember it’s time to eat is fine.

Mix chickin, vegetables and cream together.

Eat.

I was four-out-of-four with this recipe. The chickin comes out really juicy and soft and keeps that bird flavour that you can sometimes lose when cooking it properly.

But not last night.

It was everywhere. I swear I vomited more out than went in. At one point a bit splashed into the toilet and came back up into my mouth. This made me, literally, vomit. Which actually isn’t so bad when you’re in the middle of it anyway.

There’s plenty of leftovers so I’ll try again tonight.

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OK I’ve just given this a read over and removed a few embellishments (there was originally a tyrannosaurus rex). It’s now 100% true. Gross, right?