Corporation Anthropomorphization

I saw recently an article about how corporations are evil or some such twaddle. I feel the need to speak up. Corporations aren’t people. They can’t be nice, and they can’t be mean. They don’t have feelings and emotions, penises or vaginas. They can have a cunt of a CEO and a board room full of cocks, but the company itself is nothing other than a convenient way to group the personalities and decisions of these people.

Remember that 80% of what you consider news is a journalist trying to make you mad (the really good journalists can make you outraged – they have yearly salary reviews based on the temperature to which they can raise your blood).

So next time you feel a little enraged at the actions of some organisation, take some time to think about the people who were involved in the actions that resulted in your rage. How many people? One jerk? A culture of jerkiness? It’s far less exciting, gets dull quite quickly, but you will have a little less hate in your soul and the world will be a better place.

If you hear that pharmaceutical companies are suppressing a cure for cancer, a) move away from the sound source, b) think to yourself: for this to be true, which people would need to do what? The answer is, of course, that a lot of people who have spent an enormous amount of time trying to find a cure for cancer, found one, and decided not to tell anyone. Of course the corporation does this because there’s more money to be made from treatment than from a cure. The cover-up must involve smart people in the lab with no financial aspirations that have just done the most amazing thing they will ever do, all the way to the top where we have a CEO that earns $4 million a year and is hoping for another one or two on top of that. And not a single one of those greedy greedy people leaked it to a newspaper for a large chunk of change. They must have all gotten quite a raise. Now I think about it, to find the people that found, and suppressed, the cure you could drive past the house of every scientist that works for ‘big pharma’.

When you find a house with a Ferrari in the driveway, and in that Ferrari you see a scientist weeping all over his manettino, you’ve found the guy that cured cancer but got paid to keep it to himself and continue to let millions of people die. You gotta feel for the guy.

When you find a house with a pony in the driveway, and on that pony you see a scientist weeping all over her pony’s mane, you’ve found the lady that cured cancer but got paid to keep it to herself and continue to let millions of people die. You gotta feel for the girl.

Those last two paragraphs were like the long version of saying ‘he or she’. Just as disruptive to the narrative, too.

“Tax Payers’ Dollars”. I hate this saying. It is, again, news people trying to make you angry. A politician spends a few dozen thousand on something personal and BAM – spending the tax payers’ money. And I agree.

I agree that all government cash flow is linked to its revenue, which is almost entirely garnered from taxes*. In fact I agree so hard that I want all news stories about speeding fines, parking tickets and petrol taxes to be referred to as “making the tax payer money.” I see someone go through a red light and the little flash thing go off and I lean out the window and yell “thanks dude! That’s $92 divided by 22 million extra for me!”** I often then lean back in the window, then moments later lean back out and yell “You know, if they choose to adjust tax rates to allow for that extra $92 that will be coming in!”

Some days I write all this on a sign, sit just up the road from a speed camera with my own speed radar gun thing, and hold it up to everyone that speeds through the camera.

*First time I’ve ever typed the word ‘garnered’.

**My country has 22 million people in it.