Much of what is wrong with the world today is caused by bad relationships. Someone somewhere is sitting in a chair in a room with a big red button with WAR written on it, and they may well be thinking about what a bitch their wife, or bastard their husband is. That makes me nervous. I want the dude with the WAR button to be happy. I don’t want my bus driver (a woman this morning, who knew!) to be fuming about an inconsiderate husband. He’s not in that Hi-Ace love, back it off a little. People everywhere are making decisions whilst in this state of not-adoring their partner.

If we fix the relationships, we fix the world. And I know how to do it.


Before you go on a first date with a potential significant other, first you must sit two cubicles away from them in a large office space for two weeks. For two weeks you will be subjected to hour upon hour of mindless, pointless, desperately vacuous drivel.

Because this is the shit you’ll get when the honeymoon is over, my friend. Seven years in there’s no more witty sallies, no more happy banter. No, you’re hearing about what a cunt Sally from accounts is for 35 minutes straight, piled on top of yesterday’s 20 minutes, and what seems like decades the day before. Then you’re in for what seems like a straight-up eternity of a discussion about a cooking show that was on last night with … fucking Sally from accounts!

Relationship: avoided.

World: better place.