I’ve always had a somewhat … strained relationship with the gays*. I’m not sure why this is so. I think a part of me is always a bit pissed off when a gay isn’t sexually interested in me. Ya know? I have feelings, I have needs.

Am I not pretty enough for you?

I recall one of the first gay folk I met, I was maybe 20, I said something-something-chicks-are-great, he said he was gay, I said oh dear lord I’m so sorry.

He asked why (to be comprehensive, he asked why I was such a cunt). I said two reasons: firstly, people hate gays. Not everyone, but enough that it must suck to be one. And also, the penis in the bottom thing. It’s just a dumb idea. It’s right up there with chopsticks. Dumb.

And this gay sage taught me something I’ll never forget (well, probably). That being straight sucks. “Guys like sex, right?” he asked. “Yes,” I nodded (although it was dawning on me that I was at some sort of gay sex party and all my friends had left). “So, as a gay guy, I can go up to another gay guy, and he will probably want to fuck. I will ask if he wants to fuck and we will go fuck. Easy. But you, you poor straight bastard, have to spend all your time trying to convince women to get into bed with you! Dates and dinners and movies just to get one away, I could think of nothing worse than having to do all that shit.”

It was just the right amount of eye opening.

As an aside, 10 years later I learned that women don’t actually hate sex, they just pretend to because that’s what their mums taught them to do. And once they hit 30 they realise that their mums only told them that so that they’d have less sex. Then it’s on like donkey kong.

Back to the gays and our awkward relationship. Another face of the problem may well be that I like juvenile gay jokes. So if I am talking to a gay chap and the topic of fudge, back doors or ottomans come up in conversation I can’t hold back. I’m sorry, it’s not a choice. I have the gay-joke gene.

So a message to all the gays. Would it kill you to say something nice about my hair? And stop being jerks.

*When I say gay (as a noun) I mean male gay. There is no such thing as a female gay, only lesbians. A lesbian that refers to herself as a gay is only trying to start an argument.

Also, ‘terse’ is my current favourite word to type just with my left hand.