On a clear day, if I stand on my balcony and squint, I can see the ocean.

Now hold it, I know what you’re thinking: “who is this big shot Dirk? I don’t know that I can align myself with his otherwise-flawless value system now that I know he is a fancy-pants ocean-viewer.”

I forgive you for those thoughts. But I have something to tell you, and anyone that doesn’t have an ocean view. Like Mormons or the Swiss.

The ocean is, literally, the least interesting thing you could have a view of. It is a large piece of dark blue. There is nothing in this world that does less than the ocean. What’s more, and somewhat paradoxically (and also ironically, I couldn’t work out how to get those two words into a sentence nicely), the ocean is incredibly interesting on its under-side. Its the same as hanging the Mona Lisa in your lounge room with her face against the wall. You’re looking at a slab of poplar wondering what the fuck you just stole the Mona Lisa for.

Back to the ocean. Underside: interesting. From above: water. And it’s horizontal but curved, which annoys me in ways you wouldn’t believe. Horizontal. And Curved. Fuck you ocean. Fuck you.

So by all means, pay your millions for a glimpse of what you can have in your sink for free. But don’t come crying to me when you’ve got buyer’s remorse and it’s been three days and you haven’t looked at the ocean and then when you do you realise it’s the same as what it was three days ago.

Seriously, don’t come crying to me, I’m a sympathetic crier and I cry really loudly.