If you ever drop your phone in water, you should leave it overnight in a container of rice. The rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.

The worst thing about racism is that it takes what really is a funny thing and makes you feel guilty about finding it funny. If there was no such thing as racism then we could make fun of our differences and enjoy it. Asians are, on average, better with electronics than the Good People of Tajikistan. I have nothing against the Good People of Tajikistan, but if 8% of your country’s GDP is dried apricots, you can get your sticky hands off my phone, thank you very much.

But no, we think finding a vaguely racist joke funny is a slippery slope. Maybe if I laugh at a racial stereotype today, tomorrow I will be whipping niggers for not picking enough cotton on my farm. (I’m allowed to say ‘nigger’ because I just watched 12 Years a Slave.)

And so we must whisper our racist jokes and feel dirty, like the hands of a Tajikistanie apricot farmer. It’s a real shame.

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For the record:

• Tajikistan’s dried apricot industry is actually 8% of exports, not GDP. But still.
• A person from Tajikistan is a Tajikistani, but adding an ‘e’ at the end gives it a little pizazz.
• The whole way through 12 Years a Slave I was hoping Django would show up, sans chains, both for retribution and to make the movie interesting.