An Open Letter to Spitters

Saliva, scientists everywhere are gagging to know what it’s for. But surely, whatever that reason is, there is one.

I understand that at times, one can come to the realisation that the saliva within one’s mouth is no longer desired. These things happen. Not to me of course, but my ability to see the world from the perspective of the average idiot is one of my Seven Charms. What I don’t understand is how someone takes the thought “I do not want this saliva in my mouth any more” and carries it through to the thought “the best way to be rid of it is through my outside mouth-hole.” Do these people not know of their inside mouth-hole? It’s a great hole for making saliva that was at one point in the mouth, be not in the mouth any more. In fact, it is such a great hole for this particular task, and is used so frequently that the whole process has a name. Swallowing. Swallow your saliva, idiots. And as a longer term goal, whatever it is that’s happening to your saliva that makes you want to part ways with it. Stop doing that.