It’s about time we brought back eugenics, don’t you think? Improve the genetic quality of the population through the elimination of the ‘unfit’.

We’re going to redefine ‘unfit’ a little, but first, a history lesson. If the word ‘eugenics’ isn’t familiar to you, then a) yoo-GEN-iks. b) I’m sure the concept will ring a bell. You take a bunch of people. Kill the ones you don’t want to be part of your race, celebrate. In the wimpy version, you just castrate the ones you don’t want in your race. Lame.

Now to get started with a movement like this what you really need is FREEDOM of expression, and CAPITALISM so that people with lots of money can bankroll your efforts.

Ideally you’d like a big science foundation like, say, the Carnegie Institution for Science to look after the nitty-gritty of which bloodlines to eradicate to best create a sexy race.

You’d want a big foundation with deep pockets that is interested in humanity as a whole (and doesn’t mind having a bit of a clean up). Someone like the Rockefeller Foundation, that would be just super.

Lastly you’d need some sort of tycoon, just for image, really. A real monopoly-man type, preferably a rich old dude, nearing the end of his life, that is ready and willing to get this show on the road. “Hey, Ned Harriman, are you doing anything this afternoon? Me and the gang are going to do some ethnic cleansing down at Long Island, wanna come? … No, no there will be food there … OK, yes you can bring potato salad. There’s just the three of us. Well, yes them, but they don’t need to each. Just one bowl god dammit, it really doesn’t matter!”

If you’re wondering, this is all in the early 1900’s (it shits me when people say ’20th century’ – I don’t want to have to remember if I add or subtract a hundred each time, and it’s four syllables more, why would you?). Our dynamic trio spread the word to Germany where Hilter went a little bit crazy with it.

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OK, poorly-researched history lesson over, back to me. I have a plan. We take everything that was learned from this early Eugenics movement (the USA part, not when it went all silly in Germany) and apply it to today’s population. We’ll tweak it the teeny tiniest bit and redefine ‘unfit’ to mean racist people.

We’ll get a great big family tree of everyone in the world and identify the blood lines of the most racist people out there and go about eradicating them. We’ll start with all the ‘Grand Wizards’ (the KKK senior management, not the black DJ) and their descendants. The National Association for the Advancement of White People should also have some good pickings, any neo-Nazis, obviously. And, well, I don’t think we’re going to run out any time soon, so let’s get sterilizing!