I’ve just won Beat The Buzzer again. It’s a game I play when the fire alarm goes off in my building and I don’t ‘evacuate now’ as the man directs (despite the ’emergency emergency’ that the man announces).

This time I got a total of 720 points. That’s a base 500 for not doing as I’m told. Plus 100 for each fire truck that arrived with sirens on, plus 1 per minute that the alarm was going (20). I got minus ten for going out on the balcony and smelling for smoke. I would also like to get 1 point for every sucker downstairs that heeded the warnings but when I peeked over the railing of the balcony there were a bunch of people looking up. Obviously jealous that I had the kahones to not bother walking down nine flights of stairs at midnight.

I have slipped a note under the building manager’s door.

Dear Building Manager. I am the dude in apartment 819. I will not be leaving my unit the next time the fire alarm goes of. If there is a real fire, please come up and get me, or my death will be upon your hands.

Love, Dirk.