I hate vaguery in writing. I don’t like when in a TV show someone goes for a job and the person writes down a number on a piece of paper and slides it across the desk. Would this change your mind? I imagine the writer’s meeting where this decision was made. “You can’t just say one hundred and fifty thousand out loud. It will date the show. It will alienate people. It’s an unnecessary detail.” Bugs me.

I also don’t like about myself that so many things make me think of the meeting that took place for the thing that I’m pondering to have come about. It’s happening more and more often. I saw a packet of sultanas in the supermarket that has ‘EXCITING’ on the packet, in the same shape that happens when Batman smacks a bad guy and the caption says ‘thwack’ or something. I hated everyone in that meeting. Sultanas are not exciting.

How the fuck am I thirty five or six and still not able to spell unnecessary first go. I got it right on my third try. I have an IQ of $150 for god’s sake. No god, you do not get a capital. I know that Mum and Dad do, but where were you in my tender years. God you’re annoying. There, you got a capital, Mr Big Shot at the start of the sentence.

All right, that got real messy just there. Let me get back to some sort of clear story.

Ah yes: bed wetting.

I remember at least one of the times I wet my bed (as a child). I was dreaming that I was standing at the toilet, weeing. I wasn’t. I was lying down in bed. Weeing. What the fuck, brain? Why would you do that? Do you have it in for my pyjama bottoms? Did you and my sheets have some sort of falling out?

A few years ago I fell asleep whilst doing a wee. I was standing up, but was so tired that I had leaned forward and leant my head against the cabinet above the toilet. I tinkled and let my eyes close. I woke up just as my face started to slide across the cabinet. Remarkably my knees stayed straight and I was just tilting to the side. Ever since then, when I’m lining up to (part of me wants to say ‘drain the lizard’) do a wee, I worry that perhaps I’ve actually finished, have gone back to bed, and if I begin to wee now, it will be in my bed. So now I have this mental check that I do. It’s like pinching myself to make sure I’m awake, but rather than resort to physical violence, I just think something that I think I couldn’t think if I were asleep. Like oh, that tile is interesting and tiles are made in a factory by people. You never dream that shit.

I was reminded of this when I went to check for the poo smell. I never found it and now it’s gone. I’m sorry to have lowered the tone like that.


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